When all this first happened I was not really into running that much. I was out of shape just like many men find themselves midlife. It was a point of contention at times. I needed to take care of myself, but I always ran out of time trying to get home to the kids and to give my wife a break since she stayed at some with them all day. Basically I’d come home from work to play with the kids and she’d head to the gym. I’d occasionally make it there during lunch, but not regularly. I struggled mightily trying to figure out how to balance it all and truth be told I didn’t have the discipline needed to sustain any effort I put into it. Not long before this all went sideways, we argued about it one morning. At that time I didn’t know what to make of that, but it was one of the first clues that I completely missed. Anyway I started to go to the gym in late February at lunch again. I’d hop on the elliptical and run for 30 minutes when I could. I went every day at lunch for a week after our argument and I lost about 4 pounds fairly quickly but didn’t tell anyone yet. Then my world fell apart on March 1st. Less than a week later we all found ourselves down in Georgia for a visit with my in-laws.
Georgia has a special place in my heart. Anna and I first met there and fell in love as freshmen and sophomores at Emmanuel College. It’s crazy to think I probably won’t find myself visiting Georgia much any more. There’s a small, special town down in far south Georgia that I love to visit. We would rent a house there on a dirt road in the middle of farm land. It was paradise. That dirt road had always been a calling card to run. I remember the year before when we visited I hadn’t run in forever and went for a jog with my 6 year old son. It was the sweetest thing. He’d run on up ahead and then pretty much stayed right there with me. Anyway, this time my heart was broken and I didn’t know how I was going to keep on moving forward or put one foot in front of the other minute by minute. So I started running everyday as the sun came up. Started at about 1 mile I think. At one point I decided to try for my longest distance yet. I ran all the way to the end of the dirt road and then turned around and ran all the way to the other end toward the sunrise. It was majestic. The house was basically right in the middle section between the both ends of the road. So I ran toward the sunrise and stopped quickly to take the picture below.
Then I begin to run back and learned an important lesson that day. I was running further than I ever had before. And I wanted to quit. All I wanted to do was look up each moment and see if the house was finally creeping even the tiniest bit closer. Every time I did glance at my finish line I was overcome with despair. I quickly learned trying to focus on my finish line meant I’d never make it on the journey I was going to have to travel. Despair and despondency would take hold and I would only know that I’d never make it. It was there that I felt God just saying to look around where I was right now on this dirt road. Not ahead, not behind, but what did I see right now, this very moment, around me? I glanced to my left and my right. On my right there was a beautiful pond. One of those Georgia ponds with a moss laden tree growing up out the middle of it. To my left I looked by the dirt road and found a few flowers in the grass. Looking too far ahead not only caused me to doubt I’d ever make it but also caused me to miss the beauty that was all around me. I wasn’t present in the journey here and now when I only wanted to see the finish line. I’d like to say that lesson took hold that day and I never struggled to see the finish line again. But that would be a lie. I have kept running though. And I’ve learned to enjoy the beauty around me in the here and now instead of focusing on the finish line. I’m still not sure where this journey ends for me. Maybe there’s a finish line out there somewhere that I’ll one day cross. But what I know now is that there’s a whole lot of beauty amidst the ruin and heartache when I take my eyes off the finish line and look for the heaven around me.
From The Whale's Belly 