Doors

There are many pitfalls, ups and downs, along the way I’m traveling. So many hard things to navigate through. But I think one of the hardest things is trying to figure out how to unlove someone.  It goes against all I know and believe. I know God, and I know how he loves and I know what I believe a loving commitment to be. Love knows no bounds, endlessly pursues, bears all things, always hopes.  But I find myself in a spot where none of that seems to work or apply. A spot where my therapist and I talk about closing and opening doors.  What I’ve  learned is that doors are made to be closed and opened and just because you close or open a door one day doesn’t mean it can never be closed or opened again.  But it feels like the reality is that a door is closing in my life that will probably never open again.

I find myself in a spot where I think I have to close this door so I can heal properly.  But damn is that near about impossible for me to do. Again it goes against what I know but it also rings true that it’s a kind of death I need to walk through. Because there is pain and hurt all below the surface that has to be transformed so I don’t live my life just transmitting that pain and hurt to others.  But 16 plus years is a long time to love someone and 6 months seems like a blink to try to reverse all that. But the reality is that what I knew is no more. It’s gone and now must be buried, must be grieved, must be lost. I think some things we were never meant to carry. We are not supposed to have to learn to unlove someone.  That’s not the way God wants it to work. Maybe you never stop loving them, it just changes somehow…I’m not sure yet. We shouldn’t have to lose our best friends. But life takes you down some crazy roads sometimes, places you never in a million years thought you’d find yourself. So here my heart stands, broken and being slowly pieced back together. I’m not sure how long this mending is going to take, but I am confident in the one who’s going to help put it back together stronger, healthier, and more whole. But without closure I’m not sure full healing can happen. And actually closing the door is the scariest part of all of this. It’s part of the journey that must take place for whatever my future holds…but it feels like dying.  It is terrifying most of the time. One thing I know is after all this death, a stone is rolled away, Easter comes and life beyond what we ever dreamed we could experience breaks the dawn. Until then I’m going to keep running.