Broken

Going through what I am has a way of stripping aside all the extra fluff, leaving just stark reality. It forces you to see yourself and the world with all the scales ripped away…all the blinders you may have been carrying around so long, even subconsciously, are removed. There’s a clarity and simplicity to it all that is refreshing at times, but still difficult to walk through. Just the other day I looked at myself in the mirror and just knew that I was broken. No use trying to paint a prettier picture, put on a difference face or be something I’m not. I realized and came to the acknowledgement that I’m broken, going to be that way for a while, and in need of repair and mending. As a guy, or at least as this guy, I usually try to fix things, am naturally and probably irritatingly optimistic at times, and tend to shove most things down deep and be okay, happy, and confident of the future and everything going to work out.

As I sat there looking at myself and reflecting the image that was brought to my mind was from the movie Toy Story. In my brokenness I felt like one of the broken toys at Sid’s house. If you remember, Sid had created all these mutant toys from parts and pieces. They seemed scary and unnatural. They even seemed ashamed and hid themselves under the bed, in dark shadowy corners, like they all knew something was different and not quite right about them. Being separated, single, whatever I am (it’s still quite weird to figure out how exactly to classify myself), has given me several opportunities to see how weird and out of place you can feel at times. Most 40 year olds that I know with kids, are in a family, doing family type things or single type things. And most groups, outings, etc. people fall into several categories…single, married, married with kids, etc. on down the line. Eventually I’m sure I’ll fall into a category again I guess, but when you’re broken, it’s easy to find yourself feeling awkward and out of place at times. That being said, people have been absolutely fantastic to me. Friends from work, friends from my newish church, long time friends from my old church, family, neighbors…you name it, people have been so supportive and caring that it’s been unbelievable at times.

As I sit here and reflecting on my own brokenness, I think it was and is important for me, God has showed me, to acknowledge it and not push it aside. So there, I’m broken and that’s okay. That’s where you have to start to be mended. The way I see it now is in parallel with another story in the bible about broken things.  There is a story in the gospel of Mark about a women who comes to Jesus right before his death.  She has this expensive perfume in an alabaster jar. She breaks the jar and pours its contents out over Jesus’ head, anointing him ahead of time for his burial. Mark tells us some there where mad about the expense and waste and that it should have been sold instead and money used to help the poor. But Jesus told them that what she did was beautiful, needed, and would be remember forever.

I’ve got an alabaster jar too…and it’s broken and it’s trying to be poured out. If you find yourself broken today know that this is what it is all about. All the hurt, pain, confusion, whatever you may be dealing with…if you can allow yourself to be broken before him, it’s not anything to hide or to be ashamed of or to put in a corner under the bed somewhere. Jesus loves and appreciates our brokenness. It’s the sweetest perfume and when it’s poured out upon him, he catches and holds every drop with such honor, care, and reverence. He catches all our tears, not a one is wasted. All your brokenness is beauty to him…and when you pour it out, the mending begins. But you have to break the jar open to pour it out.