There has only been two times in my life where I felt God’s voice speaking to my heart and spirit so strongly and clearly that it almost seemed audible. One was as almost 20 years ago now, and the other was yesterday. You may think I’m crazy, and I may be because God has been so real, so present, and so communicative with me that the two alternatives are that either I’m crazy or he’s really real. (It’s option number two btw : ) Back to the story…so both of these instances are connected and if you’ll stick along for the ride we’ll get to the story of my tattoo.
Twenty years ago you’d have found me in a garden one night on the small island of Trinidad looking up at the night sky. It was the summer before my junior year of college and I was on a mission trip. In January I had started dating this girl who I had no idea at the time would later become my wife. We both had signed up for the trip and by the time summer rolled around I was definitely falling in love. I grew up in church my whole life and was attending a christian college and as I sat there in that garden praying that night my biggest fear was that I was somehow not giving God all of my heart. I know this sounds silly but I was struggling to figure out how I could love someone fully and still give all of my heart to God at the same time. I knew that was what I wanted deep down, I wanted God to have all of my heart. So I questioned him in that garden and fretted about how this could all work. How could I give her a piece of my heart and still give all my heart to God. And out of no where, so clearly to my heart that it felt audible, he told me “You’re not giving her a piece of your heart, I’m giving you a piece of mine.” And that settled it. Three summers later we found ourselves walking down an aisle as a married couple. As an aside, as silly as that mental angst sounds on my side, as I’ve aged I’ve also seen that love truly is God giving you a piece of his heart for someone around you. Some of you have no idea how you’ve reached out with just the right words to hear, at just the right moment, speaking life. You thought you were just randomly reaching out, but in actuality God was giving you a piece of his heart for me in that moment where you thought of me and put legs on his love. When you feel that notion to reach out to someone or do something for someone, follow it because I’ve found that it’s often God leading with his heart, drawing you towards someone.
As difficult at this is going to sound, within the last month I found myself crying and asking God to take back this piece of his heart he gave me. I couldn’t carry it any more. It was just too heavy and it no longer felt like it was mine to carry. And strangely enough, I think he wanted to take it back. Either way I asked him to because I needed him to so I could continue to heal. I could not keep trying to fix everything, hold it all together, and somehow still be made whole. So I returned it to him and have continued to experience his healing. Giving it back doesn’t mean you become unfeeling and it is hard to describe, but the weight of it all is just different.
So about my tattoo. Tattoos can be a funny thing. Some of them you may later regret. Others are just fun and whimsical. And then there are those that have a story behind them. Some of you were shocked I got one, and many have asked me about it and what it means. The most common question I got at the beginning was “Is that real?” Uh…yes. So this is the story of my tattoo. It’s all wrapped up in God and me and to get the full story we may have to go back a bit. But let’s get this out of the way first. Some of you know my dramatic physical transformation because you where there prior. But some of you are my new friends (you have no idea how much you’ve meant to me). You’ve only met and maybe seen the “new” me. I got my tattoo in March. I started running in late February and was 226 lbs. I’m currently 171 lbs for a total of 55 pounds of weight loss. It was mainly done through a whole, whole lot of running (twice a day, 6 miles total for a large period) and counting calories, like 1200 to 1600 a day (thank you my fitness pal). You can do the math but 5 to 6 miles a day can burn 700 calories, so you eat 1200 and burn 700 and the weight comes off.
So this is me getting my tattoo and yes, I hardly recognize myself. I’ve always thought about getting a tattoo but was not sure I’d ever actually get one. I grew up in a church and a family where, if it was never actually stated, I at least got the impression getting a tattoo was frowned upon. My biggest problem though was never knowing what to get. Having fallen in love with Biblical Hebrew while in seminary, I’d have bet good money that my first tattoo would contain some Hebrew word or name. Caleb and Daniel are two great Hebrew names and they were certainly top candidates. Fast forward to January of this year and you’d find me down in Myrtle Beach celebrating my 40th birthday. Turning 40 really was not a big deal to me, didn’t really struggle with any kind of mid-life crisis or anything like that, but while down there we talked about getting tattoos. We even visited a shop. But I had no clue what I wanted and the fact that it seemed twice as much as we’d pay in Raleigh, waiting seemed appropriate. I did not think much more about it, but in March on a whim I found myself setting in a tattoo chair knowing exactly what I wanted, where I wanted it, and everything that it meant.
First lets talk about what it is and then we’ll have to go back to what it means. First and foremost it’s a scar. A scar with a story that seals in my body its meaning. Secondly, it’s a lion of course. In the bible God is sometimes presented as a lion and Jesus is also referred to as the lion of the tribe of Judah. Jacob refers to his son Judah as a גּוּר אַרְיֵה, a young lion when he blesses him. For me God as a lion represents the fullness and wholeness of God, how he’s king but also displays an almost devouring passion in how he loves. My lion for me then represents God and his passionate love. You’ll notice my lion consists of several stars. I’ve always been enamored with them, wanting to be an astronaut from a really early age. Well stars are basically the original GPS or google maps. Sailors would use the stars to navigate to far and distant lands. So if you add it all up together, for me I want to learn to love passionately like God does, and only he can guide me and teach me to love in that way. So I put this tattoo right on my arm, front and center, because I want to see it every day and be reminded that God is there and he’s going to lead me to a land where I can love with his passion.
Now then we must come back to yesterday and hearing from God again. I woke up in the morning and I ran. I was only going to run 2 miles because I knew I’d run with the Holly Springs run club after work (awesome group by the way). So I made it 2 miles and the run was so good I couldn’t stop. When I hit three, I continued listening to my music and just walked. The song Overwhelmed was playing in my ears and if you passed a guy on the greenway to Bass Lake with his ugly cry face on, it was me. I wasn’t sad, upset, or angry. I was just what the song was saying…completely and totally overwhelmed and undone by God. Like a wave of him crashing over me, just speaking directly to my heart. It’s hard to describe but it was so tender yet direct, gentle yet thundering at the same time and then somehow like he was speaking to the whole of me. Anyway as I was listening I randomly glanced down at my tattoo and bam words just ripped into my heart. This is what he told me. “I will return to you a piece of my heart again” and “I am going to teach you how to follow me loving passionately.” That’s the gist of it. I don’t know the who, what, when, where or how and strangely enough I don’t care. But I have such a peace that God’s got this, and that I can just surrender this all to him. Right now that sound easy, some days it’s super hard. But I’m happy, so happy, because he’s so real and he knows me…all of me, all of my deepest desires, all of my fears and doubts, all my highs and lows. And he’s still there, just running beside me, leading me to shores unknown. He knows what I desire more than anything, more than I even know myself and he’s going to take me there. There’s an adventure ahead and boy do I have an unbelievable guide.
“I delight myself in You, captivated by Your beauty, I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by you! God I run into Your arms, unashamed because of mercy, I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by you!”
Video for this song below…it speaks volumes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiGb14tTaH4
P.S. Don’t tell my mom but I’ve already got designs on tattoo number 2 ; )
From The Whale's Belly 