There are so many unexpected part and pieces of this journey I’ve been on over the past 6 months. Sometimes I’ve felt like there should be a manual out there on how best to navigate through all of this. So here are just two of the unexpected pieces of this journey that I never quite saw coming.
First there’s the ring. I mean what exactly are you supposed to do with it? I struggled for a long time with this. There really is not a right answer on what to do with that thing. I mean you were married but that marriage is no longer what it was so you’re left with the question of what do I now do with this ring that represented all that love, promise, and commitment. So here’s my story. I kept wearing it for a long time, then I’d take it off, then I’d put it back on again. Some times I would switch back and forth from day to day. Finally after a couple of months I decided to give it back. Not in a mean way, but just in a, look, what this represented is no more, you gave it to me, and you should have it back kind of way. So that’s what I did. And then I made a decision to buy myself my own ring. It represented for me several things. First it was a commitment to myself and to my kids that I was going to work through this thing, lean into God, and figure out how to transform all this hurt and pain through God’s help into something beautiful. Second there were just times where it was easier to just have a ring on your hand. So I did that for me. I wore it for good while. Probably four months I guess. Around September I took to wearing it on a chain around my neck. It’s close to my heart and it makes for a pretty good fidget spinner. I twirl it around many times a day. So if you are out there in a similar situation wrestling with what to do, I don’t think there really is a right answer for you. I chose to do what felt right to me and I’ve gone through many iterations of that same choice. And that’s okay.
The second thing that no one every tells you about is what to do with your in-laws. First truth here is that mine are great. I love them all and I didn’t see the grief that would need to be worked through in acknowledging that you are also in many ways losing something there too. For me these fell into two main categories: mother and father-in laws and sister and brother-in-law. It hard to describe the feeling you have toward the parents of someone you’ve were married to for so long after it is over. First there’s just the love and the loss. The thought of most likely not really ever seeing them again much was super hard. Then there was just the sense of wanting them to know that I tried, tried really hard, but it just was not enough. I am left with the comfort and hope that they know that I truly cared for and loved their daughter, will continue to love and care for their grandchildren, and that I love and respect them to this day.
Oh man…my sister-in-law and brother-in-law…that’s where the pain is greatest though. They are both wonderful people with a wonderful family that I will miss. Each of them holds a special place in my heart that quite frankly I’ve learned that has and needs to be grieved just like a death. Amber you are stronger than you know. I know as you grew up many always looked to your sister as the rock of your family. But you are a strong woman and it has always been you that has been an anchor for the entire family, just not sure you ever realized it. Hang in there, and be who you were always made to be. Michael…man I don’t even know what to say to you. We don’t talk except when I’m there, and not even super deeply, but we have a connection that I don’t even understand. There are three people I’d pick out as brothers if I could, and you are on that list. Your the one I’d pile around with, laugh a ton with, and go get in fights with. You know what you want in this life, it’s right in front of you now and fight for that, cherish it, and hold all of them close every day. Chasey…there’s barely a day that goes by that Caleb and Daniel don’t ask when they are going to come see you again. They adore you and I am so glad that you are in their life. Your uncle Andy is so proud of you, always will be, and am excited to see the wonderful young lady you are going to become. Take care of Will. Little Will…man…the thought of knowing you but you not knowing me…that’s a tough one. You and I met during a really tough time for the both of us. You would cry and cry and cry and I would just hold you and was about the only one that could get you to find peace and rest. I’m sure you’ll hear of me one day, but just know that your Uncle Andy loved every moment he got to be with you and is so excited for the future you’ll have. You’ve got the best big sister and you’re whole family is great. Go fishing with your daddy every chance you get, you’ll never regret it.
So that’s it. No one tells you about what to do with your ring and no one tells you how to grieve for family that you’ve also lost. But you have to. It’s how you heal. So to my family out there…know I love you all, cherish all the memories we have together, and am excited and hopeful for each of your futures. I’m excited and hopeful for mine too. It’s going to be blindingly bright at times as well as dark and cloudy at others. Every life well lived is.
From The Whale's Belly 