This week was my birthday. One year prior you’d have found me in Myrtle Beach celebrating my 40th with my spouse. I was oblivious and had no idea what was headed my way. Like a freight train barreling down the tracks, me a stalled car with no power to get out of its way. A short month later my life would be changed forever. My 41st birthday as such is bittersweet. I wasn’t sure what to expect being the first one I’ve experienced on my own in basically 20 years. What’s the protocol here exactly? Do I even celebrate? Do I buy a cake for myself? Take my kids to buy me a present? I decided to follow a page from God’s book and make some magic out of a not so great situation. I told the boys we’d go pick out something they could get from the store but it had to be something we could do together, special with me. Caleb has been wanting to get Minecraft on a PC so we could play special modded versions, so that was his choice. Daniel went straight for the legos. Of course being 21 months apart, boys through and through, and competitive above all else, we had a fight on our hands when trying to pick out a cake. Daniel wanted quantity, going for a huge rectangular sheet cake large enough for a party of 20 while Caleb’s only requirement was something chocolate. I figured the three of us needed something small so we compromised and bought two miniature cakes, chocolate for Caleb and one shaped like a puppy dog for Daniel, I mean me. With some help from Amazon, Alexa sang to us and the boys spit all over the cakes blowing out my candles.
Taking stock of my 41 years of life I think the thing I did this year differently than all the others was that I felt it. All of it. The highs and the lows. The joys and the pains. Someone asked me at one point today why I looked so down for it to be my birthday. The moment they saw me was just a moment to myself walking across our building where I was lost in thought. Truth be told I was angry at the moment, just at all that has happened, all I’ve experienced, all the striving, all the wishing you could do something to change things, all the nothing you do matters when no one is there to receive it. But at other moments today, if you’d seen me, you would have seen a grin on my face and tears of joy in my eyes. Today I also felt pride, a strength, and a proudness beyond what I’ve ever experienced before. See I know what I’m made of now and it is good. It is him. And it shines out in the midst of the darkness. I’ve been given a hard road to travel down and the journey is no where near the end but I’m doing it and I’m doing it as well as I can. It’s hard to explain but sometimes you can’t know what is inside of you until you are tested. I’ve been tested and I’ve seen where I’ve turned and who I’ve chosen to lean on. I’m proud and you know what, God is too. And that makes all the difference. And I felt so thankful. Thankful of the legacy of faith that runs through my family, both sides on down the line. Imperfect people, jacked up to be sure, but people who tried, as best they knew how to build a life honoring to God. Mom and Dad those prayers you prayed, and all those times you dragged me to church, well they have me here, standing in good stead, following the only way I know how. I think of both of my grand parents, and I know the faith and the families they created carry me know. And large extended families who care for each other and believe in the importance of gathering together to celebrate our shared heritage and those who have gone before us. And today I felt joy. Joy for and with my kids. Joy for my dog Charlie and joy for all of those friends out there who care for me. I had lunch with a few of you this week, I wish it could somehow be all of you. But there was simple joy in just enjoying each other’s presence. Truly it’s what life is all about. Don’t let it pass you by, don’t miss it. It’s so easy to do, wrapped up and absorbed in the day to day busyness of life.
So I’ve traveled around the sun another year. In the last 365 days I’ve learned so much, that it can all change in an instant, to cherish each and every moment and to feel it, all of it, the good and the bad, the joy and the pain. Especially the pain as it can propel you forward like nothing else if you don’t shove it down and bury it completely. I can’t wait to see what the next revolution around the sun has in store. It’s going to be spectacular, I know it.
From The Whale's Belly 