Fear is a funny thing. Most off our lives are spent trying to keep fear at bay. We try to expel it in whatever form we find it. We have night lights and learn to check under the bed for monsters. We amass, accumulate, focus on our health all in hopes that we can ward off our deepest, darkest fears. My therapist is good at asking questions. This past visit we were talking about dating and he asked what I was afraid of. I’ve been on a handful of dates and we were discussing that process and what has happened thus far. I couldn’t put a finger on it in that moment and as often happens, processing things later I came face to face with my fear.
There’s a scene from Star Wars where Luke Skywalker is training with Yoda that comes to mind. Luke has to go into this cave to face his fears and the darkness he finds there. Luke asks what’s in there and is told only what you take with you. In that cave he comes face to face with his enemy, Darth Vader. But when he fights him and finally strikes him down in battle, Vader’s mask is broken and the face revealed behind the mask is Luke’s own. Often times what we fear the most is some thing we fear we will find within our own self. Something we know we can’t control or something we are scared in ourselves may careen out of control or finally be known.
Quite frankly if I’m honest my fear is that I won’t be enough to keep whoever the next person is. That’s my deepest, darkest secret. That’s where I’m reduced to a small, 6 year old boy. I made it through 16 years of marriage and it all fell apart. Whatever way I look at it, I have to walk into that cave and stare that in the face. It’s like the story of the veil of the temple being ripped in two when Jesus died. In many ways parts of me were unveiled in the last few years. There’s a rip that is open and exposed. There’s a scar. If I look at it in fear, what I hear is I may not be enough. And I can’t just push that aside with positivity. The reality is that for right or wrong, I wasn’t in this case enough, wasn’t able to do enough. And the only way to heal from something like that….is to run toward it. When fear comes to call, we can run away and hide or we can run towards what scares us most. We cheer for those that run towards their fears in the stories and movies we love. It’s not that our heroes have no fear…it’s that they run in and towards their fears in spite of them. I think of William Wallace in Braveheart, I think of Saving Private Ryan, of Independence Day. I think of first responders, military heroes, and those that sacrificed, sometimes ultimately in the face of their fears.
So I run toward the question am I enough to keep whoever is next…or would it just all fall apart again? Could I even do that again…would it be worth it? Is there something fundamentally askew with my makeup, with how I love, the passion I have to offer and how I do relationships that got me to where I found myself but thought I’d never be? Can I fix it, erase it, make it go away? Should I even try? Do I want to risk being hurt that much again?
Here’s what I know and here’s what I’ve learned. I wasn’t enough, I am not enough……and I was and I am and I have always been. For most of my life I was taught and viewed Jesus’ crucifixion as something that fixed a problem between me and God. Like God needed to somehow be convinced or His mind changed about me instead of Jesus’ death changing my mind about God. But it’s so much more than even that. What Jesus’ life and his death taught me was how to gather and hold two supposed opposites, in tension with each other, to spread out my arms holding both in my hands, to take it into myself and to die to it. Not to be a victim or to victimize those who’ve hurt me, but to embrace all of it and move through it into new life. In this case, it is the fact of actually not being enough and somehow having enough “enoughness” to sustain a relationship. The fear of failure and the fear of success…both of them Jesus paradoxically teaches me that letting them die is the path to life. That resurrection to something more can come when you allow both to die.
So guess what. I’m scared. I’m fearful. At times down right terrified if I’m honest. I’ve never been at a more uncertain time in my life. But guess what. I also have more peace, more confidence, and more strength than I’ve ever experienced before. It’s because God is found in your fears. He’s there in the midst of them with you. You don’t have to run from them but can run toward them. And when you do, you’ll find Him already there. Erwin Mcmanus explains in his book The Way of the Warrior that this is one of the most perplexing truths in our spiritual journeys. “When you are running from your fears you are running from God. Hidden in your fears is the faith you are searching for. If you want to meet God, stand in your fears, stand in your pain.” I have firsthand experience that this is for sure true.
I have no idea what the future holds. Nor can I make complete sense of the past. But I can be here. I can be right now. i can be present come what may. Whether it’s more heartache or total bliss. I’m going to do my damnedest to run toward it, whole heartedly, embracing each and ever fear while trusting in someone who’s proven to be so much bigger and capable than I could ever even imagine. I can stand in my fear and pain. It’s the hardest thing in the world to do because it requires you to be yourself. To crucify who you are supposed to be, who you think you should be, and vulnerably learn to just be who you are, who you were always made to be.
So let me ask you a question. What’s in your cave? When you sit in the darkness what is lurking in the corner; what are you afraid is behind your mask? One way forward is diving into where you’ve been hurt before. Or where you’ve hurt someone before. Run toward it. Walk toward it. Maybe all you can do is inch and crawl toward it. When you move toward your fear you expose it to light. Light doesn’t make the fear go away…it just illuminates it so you can view what’s really there and see it for what it truly is. For me….it’s just fear of being hurt, of failure, of not being enough. But when I shine a light on it I realize that those things aren’t something to fear and be afraid of but something to embrace. They will always be there and cannot be controlled nor eradicated out of my life. When I try to, all I do is choke love and all it dangerously brings out of my life. And here’s the funny thing about your hurts. It’s in those places where you can become your strongest. Your wounds can become your greatest place of healing. It’s in those places where you have the most to speak, to shine, to be a city on a hill illuminating darkness around you. It takes strength and courage to learn to bear your wounds well, and to heal through your wounds. Maybe your scars and wounds aren’t something to be ashamed or afraid of, but the seat of your greatest strength and power. Wear them well.
So as my therapist asked me, I now question you. What are you afraid of? Are you afraid to try loving again? Is there a dream you’re scared could actually come true if you gave yourself to it whole-heartedly? Is there a career you need to start or one you are afraid to end? Is there a book you’re scared to write? Are you afraid to forgive? Maybe scared to try something you love because it might provide less security? What is it you need to run toward?
The following song has been my anthem the past few weeks. Every time I hear it, it stops me in my tracks. It epitomizes where I am and where I long to be. I can’t go back to the beginning and I can’t control what tomorrow will bring. I’m not enough unless He comes and meets me where I am. Not for a single minute was I forsaken…he’s in this place…always has been and always will be.
Can’t go back to the beginning
Can’t control what tomorrow will bring
But I know here in the middle
Is the place where You promise to be
I’m not enough unless You come
Will You meet me here again
‘Cause all I want is all You are
Will You meet me here again
As I walk now through the valley
Let Your love rise above every fear
Like the sun shaping the shadow
In my weakness Your glory appears
I’m not enough unless You come
Will You meet me here again
‘Cause all I want is all You are
Will You meet me here again
I’m not enough unless You come
Will You meet me here again
‘Cause all I want is all You are
Will You meet me here again
Not for a minute
Was I forsaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place
Come Holy Spirit
Dry bones awaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place
Not for a minute
Was I forsaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place
Come Holy Spirit
Dry bones awaken
The Lord is in this place
The Lord is in this place
I’m not enough unless You come
Will You meet me here again
‘Cause all I want is all You are
Will You meet me here again
I’m not enough unless You come
Will You meet me here again
‘Cause all I want is all You are
Will You meet me here again
From The Whale's Belly 