When all this first happened I was not really into running that much. I was out of shape just like many men find themselves midlife. It was a point of contention at times. I needed to take care of myself, but I always ran out of time trying to get home to the kids and […]
Picking them Up
I’ve never been as excited to go to work on a Monday morning as I was today. You see I haven’t seen my two boys since Saturday morning and it’s now Monday afternoon and I knew going to work meant being one step closer to leaving work to pick them up. So I stared at the clock counting down the minutes. It doesn’t seem like that long of a time until you experience it. It’s hard to describe. I’ve been with my sons almost every single day of their 5 and 7 years of existence. Not being with them just about rips my heart out. I tried to stay busy over the weekend. I saw and talked to some friends I haven’t seen in a while. I went out and had dinner with some work friends downtown. I went to church. I mowed, trimmed the hedges, sprayed for bugs, vacuumed, mopped, and cleaned the shower. I think I washed 3 loads of clothes. I treated myself to an ice cream cone and ran three miles. In that order…which turned out to not be the grandest idea ever. I made it my 7 laps (I’ll share that story later) and the 3 miles….just barely. Don’t eat ice cream an hour before running…just doesn’t work.
I’m not quite sure how to describe what it’s like not being able to have your children around all the time. Being a single parent is by far one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do and I get a forced break every few days…kudos to those out there who do this entirely all alone. But as hard as this is…I think the hardest thing of all is having to let them go for a few days. Again hard to describe the feelings and emotions. That’s actually something my therapist and I have been working on (yep I go to therapy regularly…I highly recommend it…it should be required maintenance for yourself and your relationships, go before you need it). See for some reason we haven’t discovered yet, it’s hard for me to put a name to what I’m feeling at times So that’s something we are working on. He shared with me this great wheel…see below…that has tons of emotions. For me I pretty much always have stayed in the 7 surface level emotions…Happy, Sad, Disgusted, Angry, Fearful, Bad, Surprised. My feelings tend to lack a certain depth. So with my kids being gone…what does it feel like? It’s sad, it’s fearful, and it’s angry. I feel grief, fragile and loss. I feel nervous, worried, and helpless. And I feel let down, humiliated, bitter and resentful.
Now let me tell you how I felt when I saw them at school today. First of all the anticipation was killing me. I felt alive. I felt the sun shining. I felt like I put on my favorite sweater that fits just me, just right. I felt like I was home. I felt content, joyful, hopeful, and optimistic. I brought them home and we played games, legos, and watched tv. And I loved every minute of it. Even the fights, even the not wanting to go to bed or brush their teeth. For those ofyou out there with kids, it’s hard. Sometimes raising kids and trying to hold a family together is exhausting, tiring, and draining. I don’t encourage anyone going through my current path for perspective. But let me tell you it has a very stark way of bringing things into laser focus. You may think that you will always have your kids around. I did. Did not even enter my mind that there could come a time where I would be sending them away from me for days at a time. But it can happen. My advice to you out there is to try to be present every moment, find joy in the journey, and love them like it’s the last moment you’ll have to be with them. It’s so hard because life has a way of numbing you to what’s really real and the heaven before us. It tricks us into seeking after the things, the dreams, the fantasies of what we think will make us happy. And it drains us of life to the point that we just want a break. Often it takes a death, a loss, for us to be jarred awake to realize that heaven has been right in front of our very eyes our whole lives. Don’t wait till you die to find heaven. You can create it right now and find life. There was a man who came and taught us that God wanted to help us create earth in heaven’s reflection. He said he was the way, the truth, and the life. Many will tell you that means what you believe about him determines where you spend eternity when you die. I wonder sometimes if he was really trying to show us the way to find heaven now, in this life. The way to a true abundant life. Daniel is sick and coughing in his sleep. Some type of crud going around school. I hate it and I love it. I hate it because I hate seeing him with even the slightest cold and not feeling well. I would take it from him in a second if I could. But I love it because hearing that cough lets me know he’s here, one room over, close by. And that is heaven.
Maiden Voyage
The belly of the whale is a place of transformation, it’s a place of death, it’s a place one has to journey through before finding new and brighter shores. Currently I find myself there. Yesterday marked the first day in over 7 years that my boys slept not by my choice in another place without […]
From The Whale's Belly 