Hurt

Do you remember the first time you got hurt? I mean really hurt, like where the balloon of your pride and toughness was finally punctured straight through and you knew you were not okay. For me it was first grade. I was the kid who broke the one cardinal rule of the playground…I walked in front of the swings. It’s actually one of the very first memories of my life that I can recall. I remember trying to be tough after taking a shoed foot right to the eye.  I didn’t cry. Someone asked me if I was okay and I said I was fine. Then I remember pulling my hand down from my eye and having blood all over my hand. And that is when the bubble burst. I changed my tune and asked them to run get the teacher. The next thing I remember is being at the doctor getting three shots to my eyelid and stitches to boot. Basically right in my eyebrow which is why I don’t seem to carry a scar. I don’t know if it is a boy thing or what, but even then at such a young age I had the inclination to pretend that I was okay and to not admit that I was really hurting. Fast forward 35 years and I see that I now as a 40 year old man have carried that same tendency throughout my life. Maybe it is self preservation. Maybe we think if we don’t admit it, it’ll somehow hurt less. I’m not sure.

As with most things recently, God has continued to speak about the emotional and spiritual aspects of my life through the physical. About 2 weeks ago I went for much needed run all alone.  It was going to be one of my longer runs as I had been upping my distance (8.4 miles is my new high), and I was going to try for between 7 and 8 miles.  After about 2 to 3 miles the inside of my shin/ankle area started to hurt.  But I did not want to stop, could not stop. I had a goal, a finish line to reach.  As I struggled for another 2 miles and the 5th mile hit, I had a choice to make.  Keep going and try to finish, risking further injury or quit. I felt my spirit just sigh and resign to not being able to safely go any further. I pulled up at five miles and literally and emotionally limped back to my house. The next day I was emotionally all over the place. I should have known God was up to something as 2 people randomly reached out to me, people I had not talked to in years, who God had placed me on their minds and they reached out. I went to work that day overwhelmed emotionally but not really quite being able to put a pin on what it was exactly. I struggled through the day, got in the car and drove home. I pulled up in the driveway listening to some song…can’t remember it exactly but I can remember pulling up, shutting off the car, and finally being able to admit that I was hurt. I think it was the prior days running injury that unlocked it. It’s difficult to explain, you’d think that would be easy, but we have so many defense mechanisms I guess. I think it has taken me until now, some 6 months, to come to a place that I could stop pretending and just feel it, even if just little by little. Usually I just try to fix things, help others see the positive side of life, and try to point others to a little light from God along the way.  So I sat there in my car and physically vocalized how bad it hurts…like to the point of curling up into the fetal position and weeping. And I’m sure that some of this is incredible difficult for you all to read, but trust me when I say it was so good. And right…and true.  So please be happy for me, because for whatever reason healing comes through hurting and I don’t think you can heal all the way if you never hurt all the way.

So yeah, like that little first grader, I’ve picked up some injuries along the way. I’ve pulled my hand back and found more blood and sweat mixed with my tears. But God whispers to that same little boy trapped inside of this 40 year old man, “it’s okay…it’s okay to be hurt, it’s okay to feel loss, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to not be okay. I’m with you.”  So yes…this all hurts and I hurt. I’m okay and I’m not okay.  But I’m also strangely happy and full and alive…most days. So if you’re out there and hurting…know that is okay. You don’t have to pretend that everything is okay. God is out there waiting and he’s great with stitches.