Is it Well?…….

Have you ever dreaded going to church? For me that was this past Sunday. I go to Oasis Church now and side note…it has truly been that…an Oasis for me in the midst of this new wilderness.  See an oasis is a fertile spot in a desert where water is found. And in a desert water is life. And Oasis has been life for me.  So we are part way through a new series called This is My Story and it is all about old hymns and songs of the church.  The first week was about Amazing Grace.  This week they told us ahead of time that it was going to be on the great old hymn, It Is Well.  And…I…was…dreading it…like literally dreading it.  But I had the boys Sunday and it had been a while since they had been to church so I at least wanted to take them. Both wanted to stay home. And then Daniel decided before we got there that he was going to go into church with me. The whole experience was somewhat surreal, like everything was conspiring against us being there with any kind of normalcy.  But with Daniel it was really quite sweet, us two on the front row, him beside me as I cried out to God, singing songs of worship. He sat in my lap for most of the service.

Looking back I know where the dread came from. I’ve been living in the space where I have a really hard time being anything less than authentic with my feelings and right where I am. So I was dreading the typical It is Well message…because I know where I am and I just cannot honestly make that declaration right now. For me, the harder path is to admit that it just is not well with my soul. So I was conflicted, hoping against all hope that Bill, my pastor, would not get up there and encourage me to admit that it is well with my soul. Because I just can’t…I can’t do it.  It’s just not true.  And to my relief….five minutes in I sat there listening to Bill talk about how we try to carry all these balls, and we can carry a few of them, but after a while they just all come crashing down.  So we try to pretend that it’s well.  But it’s not. It’s hard to explain but I’ve never been at a place where my heart feels so safe in God’s hand.  Where he speaks through the people he’s put around me to propel me forward into the future he has for me. So I sat there with my son beside me, listening, and me knowing that God was just speaking sweetly to me again. Bill had already said that church was going to be a little different this day and we were going to spend some time in the end praying. So I knew where this was all heading. And Bill asked for those that just knew that it wasn’t well with them and felt they where just carrying so much to come up for prayer. So I looked over to Daniel and I told him…”buddy Daddy is going to go up there and pray okay?  You stay right here and I’ll be right there.” And I went…and Bill was there, and he hugged me, and he said he thought of me when he was working on this message.  And I wept and just broke down. And he prayed for me, prayed for me to have strength, prayed that I would be able to lean in to God during this time instead of falling into all the various traps and missteps along the way. That I would know that it is well, not because my circumstances are well or magically change, but because Jesus is with me.

Watch the message yourself here if you’d like

So there it is…nothing to fear or dread because God knows right where I am. And he speaks to that place in your heart like only he can. So for me, it’s not well with my soul…and it is. It’s not well because the person I did life with is gone. That 20 year friendship is gone. This week I traveled for work and came home and there was no one here. No one to come back to, no one to be excited to see again, no one to tell about your trip.  Well I take that back…Charlie was ecstatic and licked me on the face in the car when I picked him up from a friends. It’s not well because my family is not what it was before. It’s broken into pieces. It’s not well because my boys have to navigate things and issues that I never dreamed they would. It’s not well because we have to figure out how to handle Halloween…and Thanksgiving…and Christmas. It’s not well because they ask me things like when can we just all do something together. So yes things aren’t well with my soul. It’s hard and things are broken and the pieces just cannot be picked up and put back together again.

But things are also well. They are well because even though my soul itself is overwhelmed and not well, I can say it is well because it is so abundantly clear that God is with me. He has been walking beside me every step of the way and will continue to do so. It’s well because while my family no longer carries the same form and the person I did life with is gone, he’s put a new family around me. People who care about me, who love me, and are rooting for me. People at my work, people at my old church, people at Oasis, people from high school, college, and my childhood. My therapist. People I can reach out to and will just be there for me. Like tonight…I had been traveling for work and, look, traveling sucks. Nothing like eating by yourself in a restaurant or bar full of strangers night after night. I didn’t want to be alone tonight…so I reached out to a few guys and 4 friends came out and hung out with me. They were just present with me and we laughed and watched the game and it was what I needed. So thanks to each of you for that, you know who you are. And Bill, if you read this, thanks man. Thanks for caring so much about your people’s hearts. Thanks for listening to God well, and speaking to us what God wants to say even when it’s not easy. You are going to finish well. Thanks to everyone out there that cares, that prays, that listens, that hopes, that roots for me and the boys. We are going to be okay. God does have us and he’s with us. Even though it’s not always well, it is well because wherever we find ourselves he’s with us, in the yuck and the muck, in the high and the lows, in the despair and the joy, on the highest peak or the deepest valley. So if you are out there and going through it…it’s okay. You don’t have to pretend you’re well when you are not. It’s okay to not be well…sometimes life just is not well. But also know that God knows, knows how bad it hurts, how wrecked you are, how bad it sucks. He hurts over it, that I promise. He isn’t going to necessarily make it magically all better though. But you can find and feel his presence with you and it can make all the difference.  And that indeed can make it well with your soul.