Charlie’s Last Swim

It’s been a little over a week since my dog Charlie passed. I definitely miss his wagging tail and greeting me at the door every day. He was simply the best. When my heart hurts I usually write, when i can. At other times things are too painful and get stuffed. It’s hard to describe exactly what Charlie was to me. But I’m going to try.

Today I received the call that Charlie’s ashes were back and ready to be picked up. I have been waiting and was hoping they’d come when I’d have some time to properly let Charlie have his final resting spot. I knew exactly where he needed to be. The first week in September will mark 5 years since he and I went to this spot. At the time I was struggling. My first marriage of 17 years was over and I was trying to adjust to not having my two boys all the time. So on this particular weekend I was alone and I loaded Charlie up in the car for an adventure. Not something we did often but I needed to get outside and walk. So he and I headed to the walking trails at Harris Lake. And we walked. And he was so happy. See there are two things Charlie was without trying…a water dog and a therapy dog. He should have been on and around the water so much more than he was. His prior injured leg just made it difficult for him to travel. It seemed like getting him in and out of the car was always a risky proposition, especially later in life. But this day we made it there and we walked. He met some other dogs along the way and enjoyed every stranger who wasn’t a stranger to him that we passed. And then after a while we came to this spot.

He looked out at the water for a long while, rested and then eventually he went out, laid in the water, and chilled. We keep each other company that day. I knew immediately that his was the spot where he would be most at home, most free, and most Charlie. So I took him back there today and I let him go. It felt good and I was happy. Happy for him and happy for me.

That other thing that I said Charlie was naturally was a therapy dog. There were many times I considered getting him trained and certified because it was just naturally who he was. He has been that to us for 7 years. I know in my heart he was given to us, to me and my boys for this period because we were going to need him. At church recently we’ve hit some verses in Romans that bring up hard questions of why and how God lets hard, bad things occur. I don’t know the answers to those questions. But I do know I was given Charlie before so many hard things occurred as a grace, a mercy from God to help us through. Charlie was there when my first marriage imploded. He was there when the 2nd didn’t work out. He was there when I was laid off. He was there when I found out my dad had early onset Alzheimer’s. It’s been a rough 7 years. He was there for a lot of loss, a lot of rejection. Wagging his tail every second. He was a constant source of unconditional love and support. He taught me how to love myself again. And the thing I know is that I think his time was done because his assignment was over. He got us through so much and we are going to be okay now. This I know. Hard times and things will still be ahead I’m sure. But Charlie could go on because he gave us his love in our darkest times and it transformed us. I know I’ll be okay going forward because Charlie showed me what I needed. When I didn’t think I could love myself, accept my failures, he did.

And Charlie had once last gift to share. The night he passed was so incredibly hard for so many reasons. We all cried so, so hard. We wept. We were angry. We experience all the stages of grief in the 1 1/2 we stayed with him. When doctor came in and my boys finally left with their mom I stayed and I told him just how much he meant to me. How good of a dog he had been and thanked him for being there for us and helping us through. I think the vet team was actually shocked a little at the outpouring that came from our little room. See we’d had been loved so greatly and it showed. But in Charlie’s last gift to his humans he allowed us to grieve. He gave us a release. I truly believe that what all happened in that room with him was grieving our loss of him but it was also where all that loss over the last 7 years was given an outlet, a release, and a resting place. Even in his leaving, that dog was still looking out and caring for his humans.

So today as I watched his ashes float away in the same spot where he laid in the water all those years ago, I thanked Charlie and told him what an honor it was for him to be our dog. I told him that we were going to be okay now and he could rest easy and rest well in that water. I thanked God for just the grace of knowing what was coming before we did in our life and sending me the exact right dog for that period of my life. I wished I could have had him forever…but I think God wanted me to know that it was time for me to be okay again. So we are going to honor Charlie by loving ourselves each day the way he did. To be there in our highs and lows, successes and failures. To show up and to love, regardless of what’s seen, known, given in return or rejected. We love, because it’s who we are, who we are becoming and who we were made to be. Charlie taught us that. ❤️